New year, new potential.

I haven’t done a new years resolution in a very long time.  And when I did do them, I never knew what I wanted.  What did I want to change about my self, that I honestly thought I could change?  My depression was so bad for so long, that I had this negative thing in side of me always telling me that, no matter how hard I tried, no matter what I wanted, I could never accomplish it.  Those dreams were just to far out of reach, and I didn’t deserve them, so don’t even bother.  When I ended up having a handle on my depression, and I was doing a good job of not listening to it, I still felt like there was nothing more out there for me than what I already had.  That the accomplishments of getting over and through the things that I had dealt with for those years, almost felt like enough, or at least I thought it was enough.  But it isn’t enough.  I may not be so depressed that I want to kill my self, or have fantasy of driving home when a semi truck just comes out of no where and ends my life in a car accident.  No, I’m not that depressed anymore.  But I still struggle so much with so many other things.  My moods are still so hard to control, I say some things to my husband that later on I ask my self why I would even do or say that?  What possessed me to lash out like that?  I used to write all the time, and draw, I loved photography and to read but my depression took all of that away from me.  I was in such a dark place, that those things that I used to enjoy so much, were such a hassle to do.  I didn’t want to go outside and travel to the park to take pictures, even though, at one point in my life, going some place quiet and finding the beauty in nature was something that was so therapeutic.  Writing and drawing when it wasn’t feasible to be outside was another love of mine.  I used to be so creative and I loved my work but, that dark creature sucked the life out of everything I enjoyed.  I would just sit and watch tv, or play video games.  Eventually, my writing became so mundane that I didn’t enjoy doing it at all.  Nothing that I wrote ever seemed good enough, so I would just hide it or not do it at all.  I stopped drawing for so long, the lines on the paper won’t even come together in a coherent form to make anything worth looking at.  And photography, I put my camera down for so long, that when I decided to pick it back up, technology left me in the dust and I barley know how to work a camera any more.

So in 2015 I want to pick my hobbies back up.  I want to continue to write this blog in hopes that my confidence in my writing and my writing ability will grow into something better than what it once was.  I want to read more, I want to read books, and comics and magazines and other people’s blogs.  I want to fill my mind with the creativity of others.  I want to take my camera everywhere and I want to start taking special trips by my self to the park.

I want to like my self again.  I want to look at my self in the mirror and say, hey, you are worth something.  You have talent.  That last blog post you shared was great.  That last photo shoot you did was mesmerizing.  I want to look at my self and be able to tell my self that I am beautiful.  I want to spend a little extra time on me.  Because I’m worth me spending time on.

Another things my depression took away from me, was my friends.  I pushed so many people away that, I don’t have many people anymore.  I have my husband, whom loves me, even though I’ve tried to push him away as well, he has always stuck by my side.  Then I have Elizabeth and Doug.  Doug is someone I have known since I was 3, and although we don’t see each other very much anymore, he is a brother to me and no matter what happens, I know that I can always rely on him.  And Elizabeth is someone I met in the very middle of the darkest time of my life.  And no matter what I did to my self or others, she saw something inside of me that she didn’t want to let go of.  The problem is, those 2 friends live far away.  So they aren’t there on a daily basis, I can’t just plan a Saturday morning coffee date with either of them.  But I no longer know what it is like to maintain a close friendship/relationship with people.  So this year, I want to be a better friend to those who stayed by my side when I wasn’t a friend worth having, but I also want to obtain new friends, or maybe rekindle old friendships with people I used to be close with.

These are the things that I want to work on this year wish me luck.