What’s going on

I know… it’s been a while.  Let me get you up to speed.

In September my husband and I bought a house.  In November my mother was diagnosed with Stage 4 Lung Cancer.  In March my mother passed away.

I’m been contemplating getting back on here.  I was thinking about doing it after she was diagnosed… I just didn’t have the strength.. to talk about it.  Everything was such a whirlwind.  Then we had gotten news that the treatment was working and we would have her longer than we expected.  Then BAM.  My life came to a screeching halt.

I can’t explain to you what my last couple of months have been like.  I don’t have the words.  The amount of pain.  I mean, honest soul crushing pain that I feel is indescribable.

So I started going back to therapy.  I’ve been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and I’ll be starting treatment soon.

I also started a hobby.  A friend of mine and I started a podcast.  It’s been something I can focus on.  I need things to focus on.

 

Follow through.

In an earlier post I mentioned that I wanted to pick my hobbies back up in 2015.  Not only have I been posting to this blog every day, yesterday I actually posted twice, I bought my self a new computer.  Last month my boss was kind enough to give everyone at work a Christmas bonus.  I work for a small company and for the time being, he has the capability of doing something that generous.  I also collected a little more money during the Christmas festivities that I was able to purchase a brand new laptop.  I haven’t had a laptop in a few years, and when I first started the blog, I was posting at work during my lunches.  I know that I won’t always have the opportunity to do a post every day during my lunch so I decided that I would go ahead and get my self a computer.  One of the other hobbies that I mentioned I wanted to pick back up was my photography.  And I need to be able to edit the photos I took, so I figured a new computer would come in handy for that as well.

So of course I have been feeling good today, got my brand new laptop that I get to play around with and I decide, I should buy Photoshop Lightroom to get my self all prepared for when I start taking photos.  Not only was it almost impossible to find, I actually had to google the stand alone version, since adobe wants you to subscribe to their cloud service now, and I would just prefer to have a stand alone copy of Lightroom and noy pay a monthly fee to their cloud server.  Finally after I found it I realize that the full version is 150.00.  This whole time I thought it was only 80, but I had been looking at the upgrade version.  I have never had anything other than trials of Lightroom.  So now I’m kind of bummed that it is so expensive and I’m not sure if I can afford it right now.  I mean, I can afford it, but do I want the money to go to that at this moment.?

So as I’m sitting here contemplating purchasing a photo editor that is really awesome, to continue on with my hobbies for this year, I decided to get my post in for the day.

I’m wondering if I should start writing my book again.  I just don’t think my creativity is up to that challenge yet.  There is nothing more frustrating than sitting in front of a blank word screen on your computer and not knowing what to type.  What do you guys do to help inspire creativity?

On a completely different note, today is the start of my “birthweek”, something everyone in my family celebrates, the week of your birthday.  It’s really nice, instead of getting just one day, you get the whole week.  Which is nice since my birthday falls on a weekday and I’ll be working this year on my birthday.  Last year I took the whole week off because Elizabeth came into town to celebrate with me.  No vacation this year for my birthday, so we are going out to dinner tonight and my husband is doing laundry for me.  Or at least he was until he started watching football.  I’m sure there is a dry load of laundry just sitting in the dryer at the moment.

Does anyone else celebrate your whole birthweek?  And what are some things you like to do on your birthday?

Maybe I can convince myself to buy Lightroom for my birthday.  I have a little extra cash left over from Christmas that I can put towards it.  I’ll let you know what happens.

New year, new potential.

I haven’t done a new years resolution in a very long time.  And when I did do them, I never knew what I wanted.  What did I want to change about my self, that I honestly thought I could change?  My depression was so bad for so long, that I had this negative thing in side of me always telling me that, no matter how hard I tried, no matter what I wanted, I could never accomplish it.  Those dreams were just to far out of reach, and I didn’t deserve them, so don’t even bother.  When I ended up having a handle on my depression, and I was doing a good job of not listening to it, I still felt like there was nothing more out there for me than what I already had.  That the accomplishments of getting over and through the things that I had dealt with for those years, almost felt like enough, or at least I thought it was enough.  But it isn’t enough.  I may not be so depressed that I want to kill my self, or have fantasy of driving home when a semi truck just comes out of no where and ends my life in a car accident.  No, I’m not that depressed anymore.  But I still struggle so much with so many other things.  My moods are still so hard to control, I say some things to my husband that later on I ask my self why I would even do or say that?  What possessed me to lash out like that?  I used to write all the time, and draw, I loved photography and to read but my depression took all of that away from me.  I was in such a dark place, that those things that I used to enjoy so much, were such a hassle to do.  I didn’t want to go outside and travel to the park to take pictures, even though, at one point in my life, going some place quiet and finding the beauty in nature was something that was so therapeutic.  Writing and drawing when it wasn’t feasible to be outside was another love of mine.  I used to be so creative and I loved my work but, that dark creature sucked the life out of everything I enjoyed.  I would just sit and watch tv, or play video games.  Eventually, my writing became so mundane that I didn’t enjoy doing it at all.  Nothing that I wrote ever seemed good enough, so I would just hide it or not do it at all.  I stopped drawing for so long, the lines on the paper won’t even come together in a coherent form to make anything worth looking at.  And photography, I put my camera down for so long, that when I decided to pick it back up, technology left me in the dust and I barley know how to work a camera any more.

So in 2015 I want to pick my hobbies back up.  I want to continue to write this blog in hopes that my confidence in my writing and my writing ability will grow into something better than what it once was.  I want to read more, I want to read books, and comics and magazines and other people’s blogs.  I want to fill my mind with the creativity of others.  I want to take my camera everywhere and I want to start taking special trips by my self to the park.

I want to like my self again.  I want to look at my self in the mirror and say, hey, you are worth something.  You have talent.  That last blog post you shared was great.  That last photo shoot you did was mesmerizing.  I want to look at my self and be able to tell my self that I am beautiful.  I want to spend a little extra time on me.  Because I’m worth me spending time on.

Another things my depression took away from me, was my friends.  I pushed so many people away that, I don’t have many people anymore.  I have my husband, whom loves me, even though I’ve tried to push him away as well, he has always stuck by my side.  Then I have Elizabeth and Doug.  Doug is someone I have known since I was 3, and although we don’t see each other very much anymore, he is a brother to me and no matter what happens, I know that I can always rely on him.  And Elizabeth is someone I met in the very middle of the darkest time of my life.  And no matter what I did to my self or others, she saw something inside of me that she didn’t want to let go of.  The problem is, those 2 friends live far away.  So they aren’t there on a daily basis, I can’t just plan a Saturday morning coffee date with either of them.  But I no longer know what it is like to maintain a close friendship/relationship with people.  So this year, I want to be a better friend to those who stayed by my side when I wasn’t a friend worth having, but I also want to obtain new friends, or maybe rekindle old friendships with people I used to be close with.

These are the things that I want to work on this year wish me luck.