Chasing creativity.

I’ve been thinking about all of the things I want to blog about, and there are so many.  I mean I have been on this earth for going on 27 years, and during a good portion of those years, so many things have happened to me.  But where do I start?  How do I chose from so many experiences and decide, that’s the one I want to write about today!

So instead of opening up a new post, I’ve been combing through other’s blogs.  Puffing away on my electronic cigarette, because I can’t fully commit to quitting smoking.  And as I read through all these different writer’s words I think to my self, how did they decide to write about that today?  I want to start with the perfect stories in hopes of gaining as many views as possible.  Because if I pick the wrong story, how long will it take for someone to come back and try reading something I wrote again?  But at the same time, I try to remind my self, that that isn’t the reason I’m here.  I’m not here to try and gain as many subscribers as possible.  I mean, as great as it feels to get the notification that so and so started following your blog, that wasn’t why I decided to start blogging in the first place.

So with that said, I’m just going to write today about something that has been bothering me.  I have never been a very popular person.  I’ve never been the person who had a lot of friends.  In elementary school I had one girlfriend who would be nice to me when it was just her and me, but the moment the other girls from class were around, she would pretend like I didn’t just spend the night a few nights ago.  She would treat me so poorly and I never understood why.  I don’t know if that was one of the reasons, but I always ended up getting along better with boys.  It was always so easy with boys, which in turn, made the girls like me even less.  I was avoided because I apparently had cooties from hanging out with the boys.  And even at such a young age, I didn’t understand this “cooties” they spoke about, so I would ignore them and go one with my normal routine of hanging out with the boys, which just added to the lack of girlfriends.

My family and I ended up moving the summer going from 6th grade into 7th grade.  The first year of Junior High School.  I was pretty upset about the move, I had worked hard to gain what little friendships I had, and leaving them behind meant doing that all over again.  Then I started to think, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad, a new school, no one knew me, maybe for once in my life, it wouldn’t be so hard to make friends.  I was wrong.  It quickly grew apparent on the first day of Junior High that everyone had their group of friends from the elementary school that they came from.  A few days went by, when this girl in one of my classes leaned over to me and said “Are you new here?”.  I assume it’s because everyone had at least someone they hung out with at school and me?  I had no one.  I told her I was new, where I had moved from and how I didn’t know anyone here.  And she quickly invited me to sit at the lunch table that she sat I, and I did.  She introduced me to all of her friends and before you knew it, we were attached at the hip.  My very first best friend that didn’t treat me differently when someone she knew came around.  She invited me to things that here family was doing, I spent the night at her house all the time.  We never spent more than a day or two away from each other all through out Junior High…  Then High School came.  She asked me to try out for the pom squad with her, so I did, even through I didn’t want to.  In the few years past, I had gone to a handful of dance classes with her, that was something she loved, and I loved her so I did the things she wanted.  After try outs, she was accepted and I wasn’t, which I was ok with, I didn’t want to be on the team and she did and I was happy for her.  Months went by and she got new friends, but I didn’t throw a fit because they were her Pom Squad friends and I understood, but she had been really my only friend for the past 2 years, and with her so busy, I had no one.  So I started to branch out more, I started to hang out with some of the people that she had introduced me to throughout the years.  And the more distant she became, the more I hung out with these other people.  Well this started to get her mad.  I once mde a comment to my mother that I felt like her toy.  I was a toy that sat on her shelf and no one else was allowed to play with me, but I wasn’t interesting anymore and she didn’t want to play with me anymore.  I was just supposed to sit there, and wait for her.  I stopped waiting for her.  I went to sleep overs with different people, I got a new “best friends”.  So she started spreading rumors about me in school.  Before I knew it a very large Mexican girl confronted me at lunch one day saying that she was supposed to kick my ass.  I was threaten and whispered about all through Freshman year.  My grades dropped and I became depressed.  Then one day I stood up for my self, I refused to take her shit anymore, and she stopped.  I moved on with my life and the rest of my High School career with a very small circle of friends.  4 to be exact, until one of them dropped and started taking night classes because she got pregnant.

After High School, those girls that I was friends with all went different ways, one joined the Army, one had a kid, the other got pretty heavy into partying,  I went through a very depressed time and shortly after High School I found my self in an abusive relationship with a guy that I continued to date for 3 years.  Any other friends I had had, were all gone.  In the past 3 years I have tried to spark some of those old friendships back up.  I’ve been trying to find friends and keep friends again, but I feel like it’s hard at this particular age.  People are getting married, having babies, focusing on their careers, going back to school.  People don’t have time for new friendships, they are doing all they can to maintain the friendships they already have.  All I know is that, it’s making me feel very lonely.

I have my husband and my best friend lives in New Mexico, I will tell you all about how her and I met in the future.  I have another friend from back in elementary school, and of course he’s a guy.  But he lives kind of far away as well.  I have a bunch of facebook friends and I have even been on a website call girlfriend social, where women of all ages can connect with each other to build friendships.  I have met 3 girls from on there.  But for some reason I have a hard time maintaining relationships with people.  I know part of it is my depression.  It’s hard to want to pick up the phone and call someone when the last thing in the world you want to do is talk.  It’s hard to plan get togethers when your anxiety makes it so you don’t want to leave you house.  But it doesn’t mean that I don’t.  Maybe I don’t call my friends every night, but I try to send an “I’m thinking of you text” to let them know that they are on my mind.  And as much as my anxiety is screaming at me that it isn’t safe to leave the house, I go out anyway.  I don’t cancel on people, I don’t stand them up.  What I don’t understand is, I know that there are plenty of people out there that just don’t have the time to keep in contact with all of their friends every single day yet, those people still show up for them when they throw a get together.  So why is it, I have all of these people who claim they like me, claim I am their friend, but when I invite 22 people to a birthday get together next Saturday, I only have 6 people who RSVP’d?  I just don’t understand what is so wrong with me that people choose not to be there, not to hang out.  I make the effort, and it isn’t like I sit there and talk about how hard my life is.  I don’t sit there and talk about my depression.  I have gotten very very good at hiding that side of me.  I’ve asked my husband this question.  Why don’t people like me?  And he can never answer.  All he can ever tell me is that he likes me, and he doesn’t understand why I have such a hard time finding and keeping friends.

And the most ironic part of this is, right after I finished that paragraph, one of my friends just called, out of the clear blue sky asking if he can come hang out.  I’m sitting here shaking my head right now because that is unbelievable.